Egads. I can't believe I actually sat through this to the end. What a dreadful film. I deserve some sort of medal. Best in Masochism. It should come with a warning. We are not Responsible for any Brain Cells Killed while Watching this Film. They need to come up with a new term to describe how bad this film is. Moviecide. When a director tries to kill his audience. And this days after I praised director Ng See-yuen for The Invincible Armour. Most of that praise should probably go to Yuen Wo-ping for his choreography. No doubt inspired - if that word can apply to any of this - by The Way of the Dragon, Ng sets his film in Italy. All the way to Italy to make this pile of cow dung on the bottom of your shoes. I was expecting a Hong Kong version of a Poliziotteschi, a rough tough Italian crime film with kung-fu included. Instead Ng gives us a comedy. Commedia all’italiana and a very bad one.


A young boy is kidnapped when his minder gets distracted by a pair of passing legs in a mini-skirt. His grandfather is right up there with Midas but refuses to pay a ransom. So three private detectives are brought in to look for him and fail miserably. They are the comedy relief - bargain basement Inspector Clouseau's picked up in a rummage sale. They gather for dinner and commiserations when they see two Chinese waiters practicing martial arts and decide these are the guys to find the boy. Because they are Chinese and know kung-fu. The two are played by Bruce Leung Siu-lung, one of the many who were grouped into the Bruce Lee clones, and Mang Hoi.


I have to admit Mang Hoi was a treat to see in this film - sixteen years old at the time and looks ten - until he delivers some whoop-ass. A few years later he was to join up with Sammo Hung's Stunt Team, show up in loads of action films and do some action choreography. But damn does he look like a baby faced kid here and about four feet tall. But his one showcase fight displays some great acrobatics. Bruce Leung doesn't look that much bigger and when next to one of the Italian thugs he seems to shrink down to puppet size. But damn, his kicking is very impressive. If there was an award for literally kicking above your size, he would be in contention. The problem is that the choreography - which Bruce did - is tepid at best - kick kick kick and the thugs fall down. Ng needed to bring in some Hong Kong talent to give him a real battle.


So the three idiots make Bruce lose his job as a waiter and get him to look for the boy. But they don't really. The three keep getting in the way in ways that are supposed to be funny but are painful and Bruce has no idea where to look. To give Ng some credit, there is some terrific location shooting - especially when they go to Venice. Why Venice - because on a call from the kidnappers they hear pigeons and water and surmise it was from Venice. And they are right. I was guessing the Fountain of Tivoli. This was Ng's fourth film - Secret Rivals and Invincible Armour came a few years later. So perhaps he was still learning. But watch this only in a Hazmat suit. But Holy Cow, I just read that Ng made another film in Italy - in the same year and I imagine the same trip. It is called Little Godfather from Hong Kong and stars Bruce and Mang Hoi again - but get this - also Kurata Yasuaki and Gordon Mitchell. And a couple reviews say it is good! I am in.