Sifu vs Vampire
Director: Daniel
Yee
Year:
2014
Rating: 6.0
It is
always wise to have a virgin around in case you need one. For blood. Hong
Kong vampire films have gone through many changes over the decades, but virgin
blood still works. This comedy-horror film very much emphasizes the comedy
and since it is written and produced by Wong Jing, you can count on it being
puerile, silly, idiotic, full of large knockers, blow jobs, peeping and beautiful
women - but actually fairly funny. I think I may have been possessed by a
twelve-year old boy going through puberty while I watched this because I
laughed at those knocker and blow job jokes. I may burn in hell. I recall
that in an article I read last year, this was included in someone's list
of the Top Ten Hong Kong Horror films of all Time - I just hope this person
sleeps with the lights on at night. It isn't the least bit scary - it is
a lot of things - frantic, chaotic, comedic but if there were scares, I dodged
them. But exciting for fanboys like me, it has Yuen Biao in one of his largest
roles in years. Don't be expecting the Yuen Biao of old doing all his acrobatics
- he looks fine - but his legs gave up the ghost years ago.
Two triad slackers - Nicky (Ronald Cheng)
and Boo (Philip Ng) in a giant hideous Afro - are out trying to get laid
with little success. Nicky thinks he has struck it lucky with a long-limbed
damsel as they sit on a bench - he romantically tells her, "You smell like
a retired Russian tennis player" - and then reaches for the gold and comes
up with a pair. Things get worse for him when a woman lands on top of a car
from high up and asks him to save her. They work for Snake (Tony Ho) who
is having his own problems. His girlfriend (Winnie Leung) is possessed and
while in the process of giving him oral satisfaction under the covers turns
into something else - "three mouths are too many". Nicky calls in Master
Charlie Chiang (Yuen Biao) to de-possess the girlfriend which he does with
his female assistant Ling (Jiang Luxia) who does most of the kung fun fighting
in the film.
That was just a warm-up. The film's main
story is when AK Chow (Kevin Kwan) who own AKTV asks the Master to exhume
his grandfather and re-bury him in a more fortuitous place. The Master declines
saying he only watches TVB and that 30-years ago his father attempted the
same thing and was killed doing so. AK then turns to another Taoist priest
Leopard (Ricky Yi) - who was in fact the guy who threw the woman out of the
window. She is Tomorrow (Michelle Hu Ran) and to thank Nicky for trying to
save her, she is willing to have sex with him. Of course, she is dead but
sometimes you get what you can.
Leopard messes up the ceremony and there
is a vicious hungry Vampire on the loose infecting others. A whole TV station
of them. Poor Cici (Tsang Sin-mei) an aspiring actress who only wants to
play the Bikini Cop and is willing to do anything - except be a vampire.
Soon AK has a harem of sexy vampires. Another over-flowing actress, Balla
(Bella Law Chi-kui) gets her award-winning monologue in while recuperating
from being a vampire and telling Boo how she only wanted to be a star. It
is all over the place but every time it slows down some action - provided
by Yuen Cheung-yan and Philip Ng - will kick in. It's fun. It's stupid. It's
90-minutes and has some good lines. After the Master gets rid of Snake's
wife's demons, he assures Snake, "She will be back on her knees in no time"
or a demon telling two guys "I will tie your dicks together". No one will
mistake it for Lubitsch.
