For Bad Boys Only
Director: Raymond Yip
Year: 2000
Rating: 4.0
So I approached this
film as cautiously as a butterfly near a hot stove – anything with Ekin Cheng
in it and with Manfred Wong as the producer spells trouble for me. Sure I
keep watching their puffed up billowy films – The Young and Dangerous series,
The Legend of Speed, Storm Riders – it is like not being able to stay away
from junk food – but not even good junk food – its in front of you and so
you eat it – and you always feel lousy later on for doing so. But I had a reason to watch this one – an intellectual
puzzle – a mathematical equation to solve. Can the dreary presence of one
Ekin Cheng be overcome by the delightful presence of three Hsu Chi’s? Philosophers
and scientists have been mulling over this question for years now
- just what does it take in a film to overcome what has become known as the
Ekin Factor (like a neutron bomb – it deadens everything around it).
In the early years of experimentation they mixed in lively actors such as
Jordan Chan, Karen Mok and Gigi Lai – but it wasn’t strong enough. Later on
they hoped that the curvaceous figure and seductive smile of Kelly Lam might
counter it – but sadly the experiment ended in disaster as Kelly was sucked
into the Ekin vortex and her black leather shorts and cleavage ended up doing
the dialogue with Ekin’s hair and chest. Nearing desperation, the experimenters
gave up on people – thinking that perhaps movies loaded with special effects
would do the trick – but regretfully the special effect to make Ekin change
his facial expression was an expensive failure. At this point they realized
there was only one thing left to try – if three Hsu Chi’s in one film could
not halt the Ekin Factor – then perhaps nothing could. Their hope of course
is to take whatever the solution is and apply it to Michael Wong films
- so the world holds it’s breath in anticipation.
I had a friend who told me that this was possibly the worst film he had
ever seen – but still I dived in with no fear – my hand securely clutching
the remote control so that I could quickly pull myself out if I was in trouble.
It starts off great – a stunning Hsu Chi - lipsticked up like a geisha
doll – and running – swiftly – fear spread over her chiseled face like a captured
animal – and runs straight into blonde haired Mark Cheng who shoots her down
– and a transparent liquid runs out from her. She is a clone - but
one with powers that were borrowed from The Matrix.
Next we meet up with Ekin, Louis Koo and Kristy Yeung – I think they are
saving Gigi Lai from marrying Blackie Ko – certainly a worthwhile endeavor
in any circumstance - but what is Smartie doing in this film? And she
still doesn’t remember anything – and goes off to marry Vincent Kok – what’s
going on here – have I entered a parallel universe? I must have because Ekin
is changing his expression – call the papers – it is like watching the trees
move in Lord of the Rings - and he is acting like a goofball lothario full
of romantic come ons that have inches of dust on them from disuse. Maybe this
Ekin is a clone too – he is actually trying to be charming and cloy here
– I never thought I would miss his stone face so much – this is painful to
see – like watching a folk musician suddenly going hip hop. And can we all
chip in and buy this guy a few t-shirts or at least a jacket that has more
than one button? I watch a movie with three Hsu Chi’s in it - and it is Ekin
that shows his cleavage on every possible occasion! Has the world gone mad?
So continuing the experiment – Ekin, Louis and Kristy are part of a detective
agency – Bad Boys - who track down missing people – but must be under the
misapprehension that they are living in a music video – because they try so
hard to look cool – the way only people in music videos do. Daniel Chan comes
to them with a sad story of his missing girlfriend – who disappeared 14 months
previously – maybe she heard his music – and she looks just like the clone!
And then my god – a rich businessman comes to them asking them to look up
his old girlfriend – now forty years old but once a famous runner – and hold
on to your hat – but she looks like the clone too! A world full of Hsu Chi’s!
But this is really a movie about love – yup – boy meets clone and the rest
is history. Ekin is so busy coming up with bad lines of dialogue that he doesn’t
seem to notice that this long haired cutie pie has incredible strength –
can jump huge distances – all she can say is “My name is Eleven. I’m human.
I am half Japanese and half Chinese. I am twenty years old” and acts like
a ten year old. OK – scratch that last one – Ekin has acted with Hsu Chi before
so that won’t come as a big surprise. And hell – I have to admit that there
have been dates I have been on in which I wish this is all they would tell
me about themselves! Still, it is a little creepy watching Ekin trying to
seduce this woman with the mind of a child.
So the data comes in – and it gets processed through the latest in computer
power – will the experiment work – can Hsu Chi work her magic one more time
– oh oh – overload overload - red lights flashing – it is going to blow
– I frantically hit the remote – pull me out pull me out – just in time –
the Ekin Factor has overcome everything in it’s path – three Hsu Chi’s and
still no luck. Next up – bring the Yips – Veronica, Amy and Gloria - out
of retirement to take on the Ekin Factor.
So how bad is Bad Boys? Very bad. It is unfocused – is plain silly – the
action would have to be termed “action light” – and even Hsu Chi -as
good as she is in bringing out the depth of feeling in all three of her characters
(just kidding) – can’t save this mess. It is like a home movie with a budget.
Some good news though - in the Making Of section -the producers
disclose that Hsu Chi’s face had to be scanned for some of the clones – so
even if she were to retire from acting – she could go on forever!
Also making appearances in small cameos in this home movie are – Josie Ho,
Helen Law Lan, Kelly Lam, Ng Chi-hung and Stephanie Che.