X-Cop Girls

Director: Cheung Bing-chan
Year: 2000
Rating: 1
There are movies that are so bad they are good – and there are movies so bad they are painful to watch – and then there are movies like this that are so bad that they come close to being fascinating in a perverse way – like watching a cobra lose its skin. You sit there in true astonishment that something could be so irredeemably bad and boring. It becomes almost a case study – how could a film be made this incompetently? And you wonder when the director yelled “wrap” did everyone happily congratulate one another for a job well done or did they slink away into the night.

The real shame of it is that the talents of Anthony Wong, Carrie Ng and Li Fei were utilized in this film. Of course these days I think Anthony must be hanging out on street corners with a sign around his neck proclaiming “Will work for food”. He has been in a load of stinkers lately – but none I would bet the equal of this one. As to Carrie? – I don’t know – maybe they were holding a family member hostage. Carrie – next time let them shoot your relative.

Here are some signs that you are watching a bad film.

When the bad guys keep talking about their connections in Afghanistan – and look at each other meaningfully.

When all the hostess girls are short and squat.

When the characters grunt and sigh a lot because no one could bother to write some dialogue.

When Anthony Wong beats up four guys with kung fu.

When Anthony Wong outruns eight guys – but then waits around a corner for them to show up – kicks one – and starts running again.

When the title characters – the X-Cop Girls – don’t show up until the hour and 10-minute mark.

When the camera keeps focusing on the bad guy’s minions constantly looking at one another and nervously shaking their heads.

When there is a charity auction – and the only furniture in the room is a cheap wooden table – not even bothering with chairs for the bidders – and the painting keeps its back to the camera.

When the heroes decide to rescue a witness after he has been shot twice in the chest – which later mysteriously turns into a shoulder wound.

When the evil boss tells his men to find the witness – and they all go to the mall to look for him – and it never occurs to them that after being shot twice he might not be out shopping.

When they follow Li Fei back to her hotel room – and then go excitingly telling the boss they know where she is staying – having forgot they attacked her in that same hotel room 30 minutes earlier.

When Carrie Ng kicks someone and they fly back over twenty feet.

When a counterfeiter is trying to show what great goods he has – and so proudly pulls out two bills and says with a smirk “which is the real one?” – and the bills are in the denomination of $1.

When the dubbing is so bad that you actually notice the rare occasion when the sound and lips are in synch.

A brief synopsis – if you must. Anthony Wong (being dubbed by someone else) and Li Fei are two HK cops who track down the killer of Wong’s partner in the Mainland. They get the co-operation of Carrie Ng who is a Mainland security agent. Anthony follows Brother Hak to his smuggling operation where Hak is in the middle of beating up two traitors. Anthony walks in – goes “so you are fighting among yourselves” – beats up a few of them and walks out. Wong then tells Li that tomorrow they should find this guy who was getting beat up – maybe he will testify against Hak – and maybe he will still be alive and baking cookies. Carrie calls together her X-Cops Girls to attack the bad guys headquarters – has a strategy meeting – tells them to rest – has another strategy meeting – and tells them to rest again. Finally after resting enough, they have a big fight at the end.
 

My rating for this film: 1.0 (only for Li Fei showing some nice moves – this girl has potential to be a good female action star if given the right film)