Sexy Girls of Denmark

Director: Lui Kei
Year: 1974
Rating: 2.0
There will never be Copenhagen for me. I’ve never been to Denmark and after struggling through this marathon of agony and going on an endless tour of this fair city with the characters I never intend to go. It would bring back too many painful memories. I feel like I have already lost a year of my life as it is. I am even going to avoid Carlsberg Beer, readings of Hamlet and Great Danes. When I see movies about the Danish underground fighting the Nazi’s I will be rooting for the Nazis from now on. That’s how bad this film is. It has turned me against an entire population for allowing this to happen – for co-operating with the makers of this film – for displaying their naked breasts to the camera.
 

Now I knew going in that this wasn’t likely to be very good – word of mouth bled from the sores it had created – but sometimes you just have to find out for yourself. Everybody has a bit of the masochist within them – a need to punish ourselves for our bad deeds - for a few people it's whips, for others it's binge eating, for some it's bad relationships – for me it's bad movies. Maybe it was for that extra pecan square that I took or going to see a film in the middle of a work day, I am not sure but I needed to feel some penance for my misdeeds and so searched through my unseen DVDs for a lashing of a different kind. Hmmm – there was so much to choose from due to my undiscriminating buying habits – Miriam Yeung in "Love Undercover 2" jumped out at me with a cruel rapacious grin but I hadn’t been that bad – I will save that one for breaking one of the Ten Commandments; how about Andy On in "Black Mask II" I wondered for a moment but that would just depress me to see how the mighty Tsui Hark has fallen; I could always go back to try and finally finish the dreaded "Para Para Sakura" (which I found out much to my horror this weekend that a friend actually wrote a paper on for her film class), but my blood sugar levels have been off as of late I didn’t want to chance going into a coma. Ya – "Sexy Girls of Denmark" – that should do it – just the appropriate level of punishment that I needed to inflict on myself! So I hit the play button and reached over for another pecan square – I need some pleasure with my pain.
 

If you have seen “The Bastard” you have to recall the incredibly annoying lead Chung Wa who goes through the film like he left his brain at the stage door. Here he is twice as irritating. He is a blister on the bottom of your toe, a canker in your mouth, a kidney stone looking for a way out. Thank goodness he has been out of the movies for many years though like a turgid snail he has left a slimy trail behind him to step over. In this film he is the mildly dimwitted son of a wealthy businessman who sends him to Denmark to choose a company to partner with. There are three competitors and they line up their strategy to be the winning bid. Since Chung is Chinese, the two Danish companies conclude that he must be sex mad and will be especially compliant if they throw him blondes because that’s what Chinese men really want as we all know.
 

The first one is a blowsy blonde who quickly sheds her coat to reveal her lack of clothes underneath, but her voluptuous physique and aggressive bedside manner is off-putting to Chung and he runs out of the hotel room into the charms of another blonde, Birte Tove (The Bamboo House of Dolls). She is a lot subtler than the previous girl and soon has Chung wrapped around her little finger not to mention her mid section, her breasts and pretty much everywhere else. She is a believer in free love as apparently every other Danish person is according to this film – you just put a foot on soil and you want to jump in bed with someone. But poor Chung doesn’t quite grasp this non-obligatory sex concept and since they partied between the sheets, he thinks they are in love and writes home to tell his parents he is marrying a white woman. They are not thrilled – pointy noses and all – and especially less so when dad realizes he has a porn film with her as the main attraction. So they send one of their daughters (Karen Yip Leng-chi a.k.a. Karen Yeh Ling-chi) over to bring him back to his senses.
 

Karen can’t help much but Chung seeing Birte on set doing a porno wakes him up a bit and he moves on to the much healthier world of alcohol instead – but don’t worry if you are a Birte Tove fan – we have two extensive flashbacks of their wild and crazy time together that are just about as long as their wild and crazy time together – great idea – pay Birte for a few hours of rolling around naked and use the material three times! Genius. What of course Chung really needs is a good girl and he finds one – Chinese of course – in the sweet form of Li Ching who had definitely fallen on hard times since she had been in classics like “Hong Kong Rhapsody” in the late 60’s. The “Baby Queen” as she was termed had to do some kissing scenes with Chung that were so close up I thought I could feel spittle on my face. This hackwork was directed by the king of hack – Lu Chi - who apparently prospered by putting out such dreck as this by the truckload. It is not that this 1973 Shaw film is vile or offensive – if only – it’s just simply dull and tedious – the worst crime any soft core film can be guilty of. No morning Danish for me anymore - just pass me another pecan square please.

My rating for this film: 2.0 (for Birte’s two points)