Women from Mars
Director: Andrew Lai; Raymond Yip
Year: 2002
Rating: 5.9
If this had been
a Star Trek episode it might have been fun. Imagine the Enterprise is on
its merry way trolling through the galaxies when Kirk receives an urgent
message that a sudden gigantic black hole has opened up in the universe and
is sucking the life force of earth into it. Upon investigating, Spock realizes
that the cause of this frightening turn of events comes from the past and
that the crew and ship have to travel back in time to stop the destruction
of earth and possibly the entire solar system.
Spock “Captain – all indications are that the
beginning of this originated around the year 2002 in a small city state on
the edge of Greater China – a place called Hong Kong”
Kirk “I recall reading about Hong Kong when I
was a child – a mysterious place that somehow made wonderful movies full of
flash and lightening”.
Spock “Hmmm – apparently not by 2002 – it seems
that movies were dying from something called Idolism that has managed to squash
all originality and these filmmakers were only allowed to produce tedious
comedies and cheesy horror films. Very sad – to see a once thriving civilization
fall so low. “
Kirk “But damn it Spock, what does this have to
do with the black hole in space?”
Spock “My gravitational directional finder is
pointing towards a movie set down below. The answer must lie there. Look
– unless I am mistaken – those two actors - yes the one with the unruly
hair and stone face and the other one on the verge of chunkiness with the
cigar – they are creating a deadly anti-dimensional force field when they
act together and it is leaking into space. This is where it began.”
Kirk “We have to stop them – we have to destroy
this sect of Idolism. Bring back real actors. What’s happening? Scotty –
we are losing force – what is the problem”
Scotty “I dinna know Captain, it’s an incredible
sucking force – its pulling us in – its coming from those huge red voluptuous
lips on that actress – I’ve never seen anything like them – we’re goners!”
If only that had been the story. Instead
Andrew Lau gives us Ekin Cheng, Michael Wong and Cheung Tat-ming in as tired
a comedy as one could stumble over in a morgue. Here is yet another parable
of men learning how to be sensitive towards the needs of women. We had Mel
Gibson doing it by being able to listen in on the thoughts of women, and
then Francis Ng and Daniel Wu had to grow breasts in order to be sensitive
guys - and now this. I have nothing against being sensitive to a woman’s
needs – I can even compliment their shoes if need be – but do we have to
lose our penises? Can’t we just watch Phil Donahue on TV – that should be
less painful than losing an old friend.
This odious threesome treat women and relationships like a convenience store
– good to have them around when you need them but otherwise you pass them
by without a thought. Ekin is in a competition to score to a 100 first with
Stephen Fung – that would be 100 women and as a hairdresser he is in constant
contact with beautiful women who want him. He meets a sweet radio DJ (Kui
Wing) and plans to make her the centennial.
Michael Wong has returned from Oxford to his village where he has readily
taken on their custom of male chauvinism – women are even gagged during village
meetings so that they can’t talk – all this not much to the liking of his
old girlfriend, Ruby Wong. Cheung Tat-ming’s girlfriend (Audrey Fang) comes
to him with news that she is pregnant and he callously gives her HK$ 100
for a train ticket to Shenzen for an abortion.
Clearly these three are meant for Hell and that’s exactly where Hsu Chi takes
them in her cute little devil horns and sexy red vinyl dress – she also takes
away their penises and sends them back to the world to see what life is like
without one. The film just trudges along falling flat like a Saturday night
drunk every step of the way. It almost feels like they are just making it
up as they go along and there is just no zip or pace to the film whatsoever.
At least one must give Lau some credit - when he and producer Manfred
Wong want someone in their film, they have the clout to get them. So making
appearances or cameos are Pinky Cheung (now Pinky did have zip I have to
say), Louis Koo (other devil), Josie Ho (old girlfriend of Ekin), Kristy
Yeung (another old girlfriend), Angela Tong (mahjong player), Amanda Lee
(store clerk), Yuen King-tan (woman in pet store), Spencer Lam and Wong Tin
Lam (the two village elders), Francis Ng (radio station manager), Wayne Lai
(rival DJ), Matt Chow (the cameraman) and though I couldn't spot them the
HKMDB credits many of the Y&D crew with being in it - I assume the triad
choppers in Hell.
Kirk “Scotty, my penis has disappeared!”
Scotty “Sorry Captain but you only let it get
you into trouble and I needed it to fix the hyperdrive”
Spock “Don’t look at me Jim, I don’t even know
what one looks like.”
My rating for this film: 5.0