Unbeatables
Director: Phillip Ko-fei
Year: 2000
Rating: 2.0
Lets get to the good
news first regarding this film. A tired looking Pinky Cheung gets to go to
the Philippines where hopefully she was able to get some pool time and have
herself a mini-vacation. Two actors who I haven't seen in a new film for
ages decide to show up here. Hopefully, they also needed some down time in
the Philippines as well. Fan Siu Wong was in two famous cult films during
the nineties - The Story of Ricky and Stone Age Warriors. In both of these
he showed a fairly impressive physique along with some good martial arts
moves. But he sort of dropped out of films and has primarily done television
for the past few years. Well he is back. Another actor to drop out of the
film scene for a while is pooky faced Lily Chung (Red to Kill and Daughter
of Darkness). The good news regarding her is that she makes it through this
film without being raped, molested or beaten up! It is good to see her stretching
her thespian skills and surviving a film.
I am not sure if you would consider this good
news or bad news - but after viewing this in its entirety I feel all too intimate
with each and every pore of Roy Cheung's face. The director (who I won't
name to protect the innocent) has a fetish for microscopic close-ups and
without the budget for either good lighting or make-up we are privileged to
see every sweaty blotch on every actor's face. At one point a whitehead pops
up on his chin like a President on Mt. Rushmore and all I could do was focus
on it - and wonder if anyone was ever going to mention it to him. Not a chance.
On a scenic tour of Manila, Fan takes Roy's
sister to the infamous trash dump and tells her how sad it is to see people
pick their way through the garbage in hopes of finding something of value
to sell. Lets say if they had come upon this film, they would have left it
right where it lay - stinking up the place. The fact that this film was even
made is somewhat sad, but that it got transferred to the DVD format before
all the great films still patiently waiting is criminal. What is going on
- open up an investigation - serve some warrants - have some lunch – say
a prayer.
The film opens promisingly with Fan Siu Wong
in jail ala Ricky and a hulking creature wants to put him in his own private
petting zoo - but a few kicks later Fan is out of jail and in the employ of
Mr. Li. Mr. Li is a triad intent on taking over Chinatown in Manila and thinks
that Fan and his partner Roy can help him do this. Now the problem is that
Fan and Roy go by the names of Shiny and Flames. Unless you were opening
an art deco retro disco, would you hire two guys called Shiny and Flames
to help you out? Mr. Li does much to his regret. Roy gets one gander at Li's
wife, Pinky (also her character's name), and decides he wants her like a
delicious turkey sandwich the day after Christmas. The fact that Pinky spends
the entire film inebriated or with her nose buried in 3 inches of "snow"
doesn't seem to bother him.
It is only a matter of time until Mr. Li is
out of the way - Pinky merely sniffs at the news of his demise - and
lovingly looks at Roy like a silver straw waiting to be inhaled. Of course
as Shakespeare observed - perhaps more discernibly than here - that the crown
does not always rest easy on the head of a king - nor does a Pinky Shakespeare
should have added. Billy Chow is a Philippino general and he has a fight
with Fan Siu Wong - which in theory could have made the film perhaps worth
watching - but they use the same quick editing style that is used with non-action
stars to make it look as if they have any idea what they are doing. These
guys do though and it's a real shame that they didn't allow them to have
some fun. The only thing to keep its integrity in this film was unfortunately
Roy's whitehead. To be avoided like a dentist with the shakes.