Cash on Delivery
Director: Terry Tong Gei-ming
Year: 1992
Rating: 7.0
Many of us may be
under the impression that being a professional gigolo is a bed of roses,
but after watching this film it is clear that this is far from the case.
First, it is a constantly gruelling battle to keep your “money earner” in
mint condition – even going so far as to lift weights with it. Secondly,
one’s own pleasure is not important or as Simon Yam explains to Michael Chow,
“a woman is like a well, a man is like a pipe – a woman can orgasm many times,
a man only once. Remember, if you think of your own climax first, it is shame
for the gigolo”. Thirdly, you have to become an expert in all the kisses
– as Simon lists them in a court room scene – “the furious kiss, the light
kiss, the testing kiss, the biting kiss, the wet kiss, the dry kiss, the
wild kiss, the deep kiss and the 69 kiss!” Fourthly, younger gigolos on their
way up are always challenging you – to duels such as the “pick up the stamp
on the bottom of the glass with your tongue” contest.
So Simon has got out of the game – he has ownership shares in a gigolo establishment,
but does not any longer provide the service himself. Instead, he has become
an antique buyer whiling away his days buying old clocks and watches. He
has met a woman that intrigues him – novice lawyer, Sandra Ng – and they
are slowly falling in love. But, one day he receives an offer he can’t refuse
– five days on board a ship with Veronica Yip in return for an antique watch
that he had very much wanted. Now most of us would not need that incentive
to spend five days alone on a sail boat with Veronica Yip making love in
every stem and every stern – but Simon is a complete professional.
Perhaps too much of a professional as he services Veronica so thoroughly
that she falls obsessively in love with Simon. This is a bit of a problem
as she is married – and now pregnant with Simon’s child – and Simon wants
nothing to do with her. His contract is fulfilled as far as he is concerned.
Things become very messy when her husband turns up dead and Simon is on trial
for his murder – and a very embittered woman is testifying against him. As
you can probably guess – Sandra becomes his lawyer.
This film is not one of the best entries into the Simon Yam gigolo genre
(Gigolo and Whore I&II, Friday Gigolo, Hong Kong Gigolo) as it veers
away at some point from the enjoyable gigolo material into the territory
of some fairly nonsensical melodrama. Still Simon, who always has the look
of a cat, who has just had a large bowl full of fresh milk, is wonderfully
sleek, urbane and charming. Of course he is the perfect gigolo in every sense
of the word and that’s why he made this gigolo genre practically his own.
Then there is Veronica Yip.
If I were totally immature I would simply go Yip-y-yai-yay or vroom-vroom-Veronica
– but that would be silly in a sophisticated review such as this. She is
like a red-hot racing car just waiting for a Grand Prix driver to work her
gears – all sultry and sexy and volcanic (and often unclad I should add for
those with sensitive morals). She may be psychotic, but damn I ‘d take her
in a minute. Hell, I'd even take up pool for Veronica! That Simon prefers
the somewhat mousy Sandra Ng to Veronica, shows he is a better man than I.
“Is it all in that pretty little head of yours
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well I used to know a girl and I would have
Sworn that her name was Veronica.
But she used to have a carefree mind of her
Own, with devilish look in her eye
Saying “You can call me anything you like, but
my name is Veronica”
Elvis Costello
My rating for this film: really 5 – but add two
additional points for Veronica's: 7.0