Ultracop 2000
Director: Phillip Ko
Year: 1992
Rating: 4.0
I don't know exactly why I re-watched this. I
once had the tape and when I saw it up on the Internet I gave in to some
dark place in my soul. I re-wrote most of a review I wrote back then. The
film was just as bad the second time around.
(Dubbed)
Part of the La Femme Oshima trilogy released
by Tai Seng and they should seriously flagellate themselves for doing so.
No doubt it was a throw in along with other films that they purchased but
this is so ridiculously shoddy that they should be embarrassed asking people
to buy it. It is a low budget Phillip Ko Filipino production which in itself
is a warning to all. For a while I was sure this was a few films stitched
together because otherwise it makes so little sense. But eventually, I realized
that this was in fact one film and that Ko must have been on drugs or having
a lark. Clearly, there was no script and they just make it up as they go
along. Scenes jump from one to another like they have ADS with no cohesion.
There is though a lot of action and it is kind of fun even if far from top
of the line. For example, in one car chase/shoot up there are about 1,000
bullets expended and yet somehow no glass is shattered or anyone shot. But
they do manage to blow up about ten cars they pass by for no reason. In fact,
a lot of cars are blown up in this film. There must have been a sale going
on. This scene like others don't seem to belong in the film but there they
are. Who was that gang? Nobody knows. Another time a prisoner breaks free
in the police station and is holding off the cops till a woman shows him
and beats him down. No, not Yukari but we never see her again. Who was that sunglassed stranger?
Yukari (billed as Cynthia Luster) and Ko
are part of a police force in some thankfully nameless place. They are all
in very dapper black uniforms. They practice target shooting on horseback
and Yukari flips around on her horse and shoots from there and hits the target.
Why on horses since they don't use them is a question never answered and
certainly by that car chase it didn't help much. They have been tasked with
infiltrating the White Dragon gang led by Melvin Wong (how did he get dragged
into this?*). They are easy to pick out because they wear fedoras, white
suits and hold machine guns. Ko tries to set up a buy but it goes wrong when
he is betrayed and a huge shootout takes place. Yukari and her partner (Ricky
Davao) are sitting out in a car listening on a microphone but when it goes
dead they somehow don't hear all the shooting going on inside.
Ko is shot and likely about to be killed
when suddenly two guys come floating down with giant swords and attack one
another. Who are they you might reasonably ask. Two Martians of course. One
of them, Koda (Gabriel Romulo), plans on taking over the earth and the other
is trying to stop him. Koda keeps popping in to suck the life force out of
humans but when he tries with a gay man with AIDS who is trying to jump to
his death, the alien's body rejects it and he goes crashing backwards. This
gay element painfully continues in the film. When Yukari's partner questions
him and gets nowhere he yells "He is queer just like you". Huh? They think
the alien is after him and bring him to the police station where everyone
freaks out because he has AIDS and they spray him down with whip cream. I
know it is an attempt at humor but good grief. It's so awful.
Finally, in the last action scene of the
film, we get some good Yukari action as she battles kung fu machine gun wielding
zombies and the bad Martian from outer space with swords and guns. Did I
say zombies? Yup. What would this film be without zombies. Ones that leak
a white milky substance when you shoot them. It sadly turns into a total
farce. The police bring their secret weapon. A cabinet which they open to
reveal the gay man tied up inside to repel the alien. It is almost mindboggling
cringeworthy. It is so badly made and yet it is mildly charming like rats
breaking out of their cages. Yukari looks great in that black uniform and
has a fair amount of action. But I would say watch it only if you are in
solitary confinement in prison and your choice is either watching this or
watching cockroach races.
* - I read that the producer of this misbegotten
film is Chan Ch-ming and the writer had this to say about him on HKMDB -
"Producer Chan Chi Ming is the notorious triad heavy who bullied several
stars and prompted Jackie Chan and Co. to hit the streets protesting. According
to Simon Yam, he pointed a gun at his head to appear in one his films(which
would be the horrible KING OF ROBBERY).He was arrested in Shenzen which is
"documented" in the questionable production MIDNIGHT EXPRESS IN THE ORIENT."
This might explain Melvin Wong's appearance!
