Kunoichi: Lady Ninjas
Kunoichi: Lady Ninjas
Director: Hitoshi Ozawa
Year: 1998
Production Company: Daiei
Running Time: 107 minutes
Perhaps if I borrowed Stephen Hawkins’s brain
and had it transplanted in my cranium, I could have made better sense of
this film. But that’s only perhaps. This frantic film moves so fast and
explains so little that you soon give up on worrying about a meaningful
plot and just enjoy it for its high gravity slapdash action, fantasy elements,
nudity, campy imagery and of course female ninjas. Is anything in the world
much more satisfying than female ninjas? Especially ones that have powers
like the “Nipple Shock Wave” and the spread legged “Echo Power”. These
are the kind of super powers I like to see my super heroes have. Apparently,
this is part of a seven film straight to video movie series about female
ninjas called “Kunoichi Ninpocho” that is based on a number of books. There
doesn’t seem to be any characters that cross these films and from what
I can gather they are all often dead by the end – so much for happy ninja
endings. This one takes place fairly late in the series – so possibly but
by no means definitely - if the earlier films had been seen this would
have been easier to follow. But in truth it’s not worth worrying about
– either you enjoy nonsensical fast moving action movies like this where
you turn your brain down real low or you don’t – I generally do.
A very high overview of the story goes something
like this. There is a High Lord named Akinari who reports in to the Shogun
during the era of the Tokugawa government (1603 – 1868). He has become
so corrupt and licentious that he has had to surround himself with deadly
bodyguards who also act as pimps to bring him a constant turnover of young
female flesh to play with. His bodyguards referred to as the 7 Spears all
have various powers as well but wouldn’t likely be invited to a posh society
party or get their own calendar as their looks could use a dramatic makeover
– bring in those guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” to see what
they can do. One of them can even pull out his eyeballs and roll them like
dice on the ground whereupon they turn into demons. They attack a convent
and kill most of the inhabitants until only seven young women remain alive.
At this point Princess Sen appears on a hovering pillow and persuades the
men to leave with her reverberating voice.
She takes these women under her wing and it turns
out they are all Hori Women with great ninja potential – they just have
to “awaken your powers” and she invites a samurai to show them the way.
This is no ordinary samurai though – it is the legendary Jubei Yagyu, the
son of a famous sword maker and once a sword instructor at the residence
of the Shogun. Jubei was actually a real person back in the 1600’s and
has been the subject of a few films as well as anime, manga and video games.
You can read more about him here.
Their mission is to kill the 7 Spears and the Lord – it won’t be easy.
In a number of ensuing action scenes the 7 Spears
are pared down one at a time by the female ninjas but not without fatalities
on their own side (at which point a pearl drops out of their body and if
you collect enough of them you get a free trip to Disney Land). The leader
of the Hori Women is Ochie played by action star Yuko Moriyama (Zeiram)
who looks quite lovely and very serious, but doesn’t get to do as much
action as I would have liked. Much of the action resides with Jubei and
that may not be surprising since he is played by the director Hitoshi Ozawa,
but since this is a female ninja film one might expect them to be more
central to the action. They get their share but it wasn’t enough for a
lame fan boy like me. The female ninjas all have powers within, but it
is difficult to activate them and often only duress, danger and even death
can bring them to the surface – or the nipples or the crotch. The killings
are quite bloody and in true pulp samurai fashion there are geysers that
fill the sky. Sex can also bring out the ninja powers and in one
scene Jubei and one of the ninjas are held captive in a deep pit surrounded
by rotting corpses when the ninja insists that Jubei deflower her to bring
out her power and he does so even with people shooting arrows at them from
above – a true samurai!
My rating for this: 6.5
Kunoichi: Deadly Mirage
Director: Yutaka Akiyama
Year: 1997
Production Company: Daiei
Running Time: 72 minutes
It seems that “Kunoichi: Lady Ninjas” was the
seventh in the series while this one comes in as the sixth. That’s important
to know because if this one is representative of what came before in the
earlier films, you may want to save your hard earned money. “Kunoichi:
Lady Ninja” was a major step up from this with a much larger budget, better
special effects and higher profile actors. The only thing that “Deadly
Mirage” really has going for it is that it is mercifully short at 72 minutes
and yet still manages to drag itself painfully to the finish line. There
is nothing good to say about this other than perhaps a helping of female
nudity for those who see that as a plus – the actors look to have just
gotten out of high school where they failed theater class, the choreography
is woefully slow and laughable, the female ninjas aren’t even all that
hot as female ninjas are suppose to be and the story makes as much sense
as George Bush during his extemporaneous remarks.
In the 1600’s during the rule of the Tokugawa,
unrest has fallen on Japan and rumors of a coup are in the air. The Shogun
has formed the Shinsengumi in Kyoto to restore order in the Imperial city.
They are a motley crew of ronin and are given great leeway in bringing
order and establishing authority as they see fit. They have been the subject
of many films (a recent one being “When The Sword is Drawn”) and television
– sometimes being portrayed as heroes, sometimes as villains - more can
be read about them here.
A new Shogun comes to power and he sends a secret letter (well, not all
that secret as everyone but the milkman seems to know about it) to the
Shinsengumi with mysterious instructions. The enemies of the Shogun want
to know what those instructions are and so order the six female ninjas
of the Hiryu clan to steal the letter. After sneaking in, the women discover
the letter is no longer there and they have to fight their way out but
one of them is captured, tortured and raped by the Shinsegumi.
This mildly promising beginning goes quickly off
track though as it turns out that a member of the Shinsegumi deserted with
his lover and stole the letter as leverage. Both the ninjas and the Shinsengumi
are hot on his heals, but it’s the Shinsengumi who catch up with him first
and cut his head off (so much for leverage) – leading to a truly awful
scene of his lover having a lengthy conversation with his head. It only
gets worse – a monk tries to bring him back to life – though with only
a head I would think getting around would be a problem, but perhaps the
lover only wants a head that would simply listen to her complaints about
life – “take out the garbage, can’t you? Oh, that’s right – you only have
your head. Excuses, excuses” but instead the monk had apparently not brought
his “Bringing Back the Dead for Dummies” book with him because he lets
an evil spirit through the portals and it begins causing havoc with the
ninjas and the Shinsegumi – it sort of looks like something that was left
over from an early Hong Kong hopping vampire movie. All of this time mind
you I was checking to see how much longer I had to suffer through this
and was just wishing I could jump into the future when it would be over.
It is just plain awful.
My rating for this film: 3.5