This was pretty great. In truth, that was
the last thing I expected. Sometimes, you choose a film fully expecting it
to suck. Because that is what you are in the mood for. This was one of those
times, but when Rip Torn shows up with about 20-pounds of putty stuck on
his nose playing an evil cult leader and his two followers happily hang themselves,
I knew this would be cool. I don't know if it is a coincidence, but Conan
the Barbarian was released a few months before this one, but this feels like
Conan took a trip on the Yellow Brick Road. Set in some fantastical ancient
land with witches, mass murderers, kings and cults. Filled with magic and
murder, this is great fun. The acting and dialogue may make you want to run
for the hills, but there is one nifty scene after another.
Deformed witches have prophesized to Maxx
(Torn) that the first born of the King will kill him someday. So, he does
what any evil villain would do - he sends the witches to enter the King's
chamber with a cow (great security) and transport the expectant baby inside
the Queen to inside the cow. Sounds complicated, but you can send away for
instructions on how this is done. The witch then takes the cow to the countryside
and cuts out the baby, marks it with a burning iron and is about to kill
it when a farmer stops her and saves the baby. This is all in the first fifteen
minutes. He names the baby Dar - Da for short - and brings him up and teaches
him sword fighting. But on his own, the kid can communicate with animals
- see through their eyes - because of the cow I expect. Later his village
is slaughter by the Juns - genocidal marauders in masks. They are allied
with Maxx.
Dar goes on the Yellow Brick Road in search
of revenge and along the way picks up a few friends - two thieving ferrets,
a black panther (a tiger painted black), an eagle and best of all comes across
Tanya Roberts taking a bath in a pond. Today all the animals would be CGI,
but these are real. Dar is played by Marc Singer, totally bulked up and bare
chested for most of the film - while we only get Tanya bare chested for those
few moments. But it is enough to make Dar fall in love. There wasn't much
going on back in the village. She is a slave girl and guess who owns her
- yup Maxx!
Not sure if this was what got Tanya the
role in the Bond film a few years later. They give her as little dialogue
as possible for good reason - the director Don Coscarelli had wanted and
could have had Demi Moore but was told no. He had also wanted Klaus Kinski
as Maxx. How great would that have been. Later on, Dar comes across Seth
played by the great John Amos who actually brings some acting chops to the
film and off they go to save Tanya and the King. Adventures all along the
way. There are actually two sequels to this film - probably awful but then
I expected that with this one. Sometimes, you just have to jump in and see
if the water is cold.
