Gal Gadot looks fabulous in a red slinky cocktail
dress. And without CGI. About the only thing that doesn't have it in this
film. This feels as familiar as an episode of Matlock - the old one. Another
Buddy Film of opposite personalities. Must be ages since we came across one
of those. Slim and shiny like a newly minted dime but dimes are not what
they used to be. Once a dime a dance. Now this is $200 million dollars' worth
of dimes. For a film that played theaters for one week and then found a home
with Netflix. These are the economics of films today. Sounds insane but it
is all about content. It changes how you make films. Think who your audience
is. For a film like this it is a family sitting on the couch snacking, gabbing,
checking their phone every few minutes and casually following the film. Make
it simple. Make it loud. Make it flashy.
Director Rawson Marshall Thurber (sounds
like he should be on Gilligan's Island) takes for granted that he has a lazy
viewing public that won't be bothered by weird transitions or things left
out. Just how was that first robbery pulled off in a crowd - let the audience
figure that out. How did they break out of a prison in Siberia in a helicopter
and get back to Spain? They just did. Why are you asking? And why would the
villain put his lair beneath a bullfighting ring? Because otherwise how could
we have a bull chasing them. There is lots of stupid within this film, but
don't ask questions. It is a series of bloated CGI scenes that entertain
your eyeballs if nothing else. It is like eating a meal that fills you up
but has no taste. That can be enough.
Hartley (Dwayne Johnson), an FBI profiler, and
Interpol Agent Inspector Das (Ritu Arya) arrive at a museum in Paris and
tell them that a thief will try and steal the Cleopatra Egg today. Hartley
was tipped off by Bishop, the top jewel thief in the world. The Egg is one
of three that were made for Cleopatra back when she was seducing Antony and
Caesar. Encrusted with jewels they are each worth millions, but a zillionaire
Egyptian is offering over three hundred million if someone can deliver all
three for his daughter’s birthday party. Dear daddy. One of them is in the
museum, one with an arms dealer and one lost. Turns out that the Egg has
already been stolen by Booth (Ryan Reynolds) the second-best thief in the
world who has managed to switch it with a fake with security and a crowd
around the Egg. How? Oh, we need to figure that out. A nifty chase follows
that is kind of fun, but the thief gets away. His secret weapon seems to
be a fuselage of quips for every occasion. It is Ryan Reynolds.
This is just the first in a series of bombastic
CGI set-pieces – that first lands them in a Russian prison in wherethefuckstan
where they meet Bishop who set them up. Bishop is Gadot, easily the smartest
of them all. And fits that dress very nicely. Apparently, Trump has signed
a deal with Russia to take our prisoners as well. No problem for these guys
– much CGI later they have escaped – are running from bulls and looking for
Nazi loot in the jungles of Argentina. As required by law, Hartley and Booth
at first do not get along, sling insults at each other, mock one another
and then begin to bond. All in good humor. Not a moment of the film is serious
or wants to be. No one gets killed which is a nice change for films these
days. All three of them are charming in their own way. It is definitely the
sort of film that you can watch and be on your phone at the same time and
not miss much. When it gets loud, look up. I may be the only person on earth
that didn’t see the end coming, but then there was some news I was following
on my phone.
