The Saint
            
Director: Phillip Noyce
Year: 1997
Rating: 4.5
I recall when I saw this some 25 years ago. I thought it was pretty terrible. I am a fan of the Saint books, those films from the 1940s and the Roger Moore TV show, but Val Kilmer as the Saint didn't feel right. But I thought I would give it another shot; 25 years can change a lot. And it does have Elizabeth Shue in it. And it looked good to me for a while - there is a decent opening sequence in which he steals something from a Russian Oil Magnate, easily avoiding capture - and sells it for a million dollars. He is a thief for hire. Coincidentally, that same Russian Oil Magnate hires the Saint to steal a formula for Cold Fusion. Invented by the character Elizabeth Shue plays. Ok, that might stretch the believability factor a bit but Shue did go to Wellesley and Harvard, so she is a brainiac. More believable than if played by Denise Richards. So far, I am buying this and thinking it isn't so bad. Kilmer uses a bunch of disguises and accents that are well-done. Then comes the seduction.



In order to get the formula, the Saint turns on the creepy Bohemian charm that should have been covered with oil. I wanted to puke it is so oozy. And she falls for it and jumps into bed with him. I have more chemistry with my refrigerator than the two of them do on screen. I felt sorry for Shue having to look into his eyes and look all gooey and in love. This seduction scene goes on for longer than the lifespan of some animals and just reeks of awfulness. And the film never recovers because she follows him to Russia and after accusing him of betraying her, looks into his eyes and kisses him, again and again and again. It is cinematic malpractice.



The Russian (Rade Serbedzija) screws him out of his payment and the Saint tries to get it back and discovers that the Russian is planning a coup to take over the country. And there are the ridiculous escapes from the Russians that you expect in these types of films - but the Saint manages to find a woman living in the sewer who can direct him how to get into the Kremlin. The Kremlin. Yes, just take a right where the rats are, go straight till you hit the dead dog and then turn left and when you see Stalin's mummified corpse go up. You will be in the Kremlin and just ask for the President. I know most of us are stupid and will believe anything but really - the Kremlin. If that still works, please someone use it and find Putin.