The Octagon 
                                    
Director: Eric Karson
Year: 1980
Rating: 4.0
You might ask what could go wrong in a film with Chuck Norris, Lee Van Cleef and more Ninjas than nerds at a Comic-Con Convention. Well, pretty much everything. It is a sure sign of oncoming senility that not having seen a Chuck Norris film in probably 25 years, I had forgotten just how bad he is. Painfully so. He should have acted in the days of silent film. And like a good actor can raise his fellow actors, Norris makes everyone seem like they are acting in a high school play. Not just wooden, but fossilized. Less charisma than a broken digital clock.



But of course people don't watch a Chuck Norris film for the acting or the clunky dialogue or the meat cleaver editing, but the action. It is ok for an American action film from the 80's when they had not yet learned much from Hong Kong action choreography. You can see the action moves coming like a fire truck with sirens going - I am going to swing slowly - get your arm up - I am going to now sweep low - jump. I know Norris was the real deal but real doesn't always translate to the movies. I am watching a Japanese Ninja TV series called The Shadow Warriors with Sonny Chiba that was also made in 1980. So much better action. And it is TV. It should be mentioned that the Ninja in the red get-up is played by Richard Norton in his film debut. This Australian martial artist later showed up in a bunch of HK films - always playing the villain and becoming a fan favorite.



Outside of those mild criticisms the film also made zero sense, was a logistical puzzle - if the Ninja camp is in Mexico how are they showing up in NYC on cue to be killed? Oh - so these are the Mexican killers that Trump is talking about. Now I get it. Of course a wall won't keep out Ninjas. But more unbelievable than Norris killing multitudes of Ninjas is that seemingly every woman he meets finds him so incredibly fascinating and sexy - it must be the sideburns and how . .. slowly . . . he . . . talks. Like pulling feathers off a moving ostrich. And I wonder who made the brilliant decision to allow us to hear his most inner thoughts . .. in an echo echo echo.




What was the film about you ask? Well don't. Because I really have no idea. Ninjas are training people who look like the producer just pulled out of a Bowery Street bar to act - they will become deadly killers. And Norris has to kill them all. That is about it. Yikes this was bad. Maybe I will have forgotten 25 years from now and watch another Chuck Norris film. But I sure hope not.