One Million Years B.C.
                           
Director: Don Chaffey
Year: 1966
Rating: 6.5
I was really shocked to hear about Raquel Welch's death today. Shocked and saddened. At 82 years old I suppose it should not come as a surprise, but she seemed so indestructible to me. If anyone could tell death to fuck off, it would have been her. My 1960's are beginning to disappear. Burt Bachrach, Gina Lollobrigida and now Raquel all within a few weeks of each other. The 60's were when I began to get interested in women. When sex entered my mind (that was as far as it got). Ursula Andress in Dr. No and Raquel in this film were my idealized female form back then. Both iconically in bikinis.  Back when full-figured women were in vogue. When the term sex bomb wasn't offensive. And Raquel was at the top of that list. She was never in any great films - nearly all were just middle brow but enjoyable entertainment. But she became famous, an object of desire by lots of young men. The poster for this film of her in the fur bikini was a large part of that. It made her a sex star. She had been in Fantastic Voyage in that tight diving suit the same year but this is the one that put her on the map. And she basically has no dialogue besides a few made up words. She didn't need words.



I like to think most people know how bad the science is in this film but I still come across people who think humans and dinosaurs shared the planet at the same time. I blame films like this (and the 1940 film it is based on) and the Flintstones but damn our education system is lacking. The film begins with a narrative that intones this is the early days of the earth. Well. Man literally didn't show up for billion of years after the earth was formed. That evolution thingy took a while. Millions of years between us and Dino the Dinosaur. Still if it wasn't for this breach of science we would not have Raquel in a bikini getting picked up by a giant pre-historic bird or the magic of Ray Harryhausen who provides the special effects. Other than Raquel of course. That has to be credited to her parents.



The film in truth is a dialectic analysis of opposing economic systems. Communism vs Capitalism with two tribes representing each. The Rock Tribe is capitalism at its most pure - survival of the fittest - while the Shell Tribe is communism at its best - everyone working together, sharing, no property (except the spears), teaching art and smiling - a commune. I think Commies must have written the script. The Rock Tribe are savages - meal time is a war for the food, the old get a scrap or two or are left to die because they can no longer contribute to the collective. Tumak (John Richardson) and Sakana (Percy Herbert) are brothers who hate each other and compete for the favor of their brutal father Akhoba (Robert Brown). Sounds like Shakespear but it isn't. The father gets angry and kicks Tumak off the cliff and assumes he is dead. The father could care less. One less mouth to feed or compete for women. The nightly entertainment is Nupondi dancing in a hypnotic state. This being Martine Beswick, I was entertained as well. She has a cat-fight with Raquel later but it wasn't really fair as she had practice in From Russia with Love.   



Tumak survives and takes off on his own to see the world. He runs into a few dinosaurs - some real lizards enlarged and others are stop-motion from Harryhausen. He collapses near the ocean and when he comes to he sees a group oF blonde haired beauties on spring break in the water. And faints again. Is this racial? The blondes much more advanced than the darker swarthy ones? Probably.  Loana (Raquel) is one of them and takes an immediate liking to his blue eyes and the tribe takes him in. And then kick him out due to his anger issues and off he and Loana go. Hand in hand.



Raquel was on loan or is that loana to Hammer. They had initially wanted Ursula Andress but she was busy. They knew she looked good in a bikini. Hammer made a couple other pre-historic films with Prehistoric Women, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth and Creatures the World Forgot (directed by Don Chaffey who directs this film). Not a great film - goodish and fun - but damn does Raquel look fine. RIP.