I just had to. Perhaps not my proudest moment. After Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter how could I not? Lincoln was a busy man - first the Vampires, then the Zombies. Of course, this is pretty awful. I would have been disappointed if it wasn't but to give the film some credit, we do get to see lots and lots of zombies killed. Very sleepy zombies. This was made in the same year as Vampire Hunter and I expect that was no co-incidence. This is produced by a film company with the name of The Asylum. Ever heard of them? No? Well, they have produced as of this writing 513 movies. By the time I finish writing this it will probably be more. I have not heard of any of the films. Most of them on IMDB get a rating below 3 out of 10. This whole world of super low budget straight to video films mystifies me. Who watches them? Where are they shown?  In the days of the video stores, I can see owners packing their shelves with cheap product, but now how do they get distributed? Are there really people who go "Yes! Another Sharknado movie" or "Hey look, its Thor: God of Thunder and Titantic II and Planet Dune! Let's order them all". Kind of Roger Corman on speed. Check out the titles. It is entertaining. Battle: Star Wars must be great. How do they not get sued?


The zombies attack the small town in which Abe is living as a young boy and get his mother. He has to execute her. Jump to the Civil War - skipping over all that dull stuff - and after Gettysburg he receives a report that the men that he sent on a mission to capture a fort were all killed with only one man escaping. He visits him and realizes he is turning into a zombie. So, in true Presidential fashion he takes out the scythe and leads a group of 12 men to the fort - deep in the south mind you - to see what is going on. Zombies are what is going on, hundreds of them. But most of time they just stand around minding their own business - basically stoners - till they hear sounds that must remind them of the dinner bell. Inside the fort they find three Confederate soldiers still human - Stonewall Jackson and Pat Garrett.


In town they find four living humans - two prostitutes, a girl and a boy. The boy is Teddy Roosevelt. The older prostitute was a love of Lincoln's way back in Salem. One of Lincoln's men is John Wilkes Booth who wants to kill the President because he hangs out with the prostitutes. Could you ask for more stupid? I would guess that most of the actors do Civil War reenactments because if they are really actors, I would advise another profession. Every bit of dialogue is an arrow into the heart of acting. Lincoln is played by Bill Oberst Jr., who has 200 credits - 30 of them in pre or post production. And I would challenge anyone to have seen any of his films. I have discovered a new world of bad films. Please, don't let me get sucked into it. Hmmm The Co-ed and the Zombie Stoner looks promising. How can I get that?