Conan + Red Sonja
   
            
Conan the Barbarian
Director: John Milius
Year: 1982
Rating: 7.0
"To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women." The first words spoken by Conan in the film.

Sentiments that I think we all live by. Words written by John Milius or Oliver Stone who were the scriptwriters for this film. Two great writers who combined to make some of the worst dialogue in movie history. But they were writing for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was still fighting the English language like a runaway tiger. They had to make it simple though at one point he gets poetic and goes on for about two minutes of non-stop dialogue about the wind or something and it puts you in a near stupor but at the same time admiration that they let him do it. This is mainly an ode to masculinity and legend. The first 90-minutes of the film is all about mythmaking and there is very little of anything else. The origin story where dialogue really doesn't matter. The myth does. The man does.




How as a small boy Conan had to watch his father and mother be murdered by a Snake Cult headed by Doom (James Earl Jones). He is sold into slavery where he pushes a wheel for years but turns from a small boy into a man. A very strong man who is sold to another and forced to fight in the ring to the death many times. He is finally freed by his master and in his travels he comes upon a cave in the rocks and within he finds a sword in the hands of a skeleton sitting, waiting for someone worthy to take it from him. Later he is crucified and brought back to life - pure mythology. Then the adventure begins with Conan teaming up with a thief and a female thief (Sandahl Bergman) . This is where fate plays a hand, destiny as Conan comes into conflict all these years later with the men who killed his family. And he gets to punch a camel to its knees. I hope it was a stunt camel.




Milius also directs the film. He was one of the top scriptwriters with Apocalypse Now, Dirty Harry, Magnum Force among his credits. He wrote "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" and "Do you feel lucky today, punk". His rightwing leanings - he described himself as so far to the right that he was a Maoist or an anarchist or a Zen Anarchist - gibberish from someone living quite well in a well-ordered society - influenced his writing. Strong masculine men with no respect for authority. He is a huge fan of Teddy Roosevelt who he feels measures up to his definition of manhood. His film Red Dawn about a militia defeating the Red Army is the wet-dream of our current militias who have taken up arms to fight our government should the need arise. The need being defined as whatever they want it to be. Conan fits into all of this. His refusal to bow before any authority, his ability to kill without any guilt, his allegiance only to friends. I would have to imagine that is what brought Milius to this film. There is something masturbatory about all of this.




Though it feels clunky and very much a relic of the past with Mako narrating it like he is talking about God creating the earth, it is a good story that I would guess appeals much more to men than women (though they might appreciate the cheesecake factor of Arnold's physique that Milius revels in) and has some great sections and terrific sets. Also a powerful symphonic soundtrack from Basil Poledouris. Best though is James Earl Jones slumming but being wonderful as the charismatic psychotic cult leader who can turn into a snake and shoot snake arrows. Fun seeing another great actor as well - Max von Sydow as a King. Money may not buy you love but it can buy you some great talents.




There really isn't nearly as much violence as I had recalled from four decades ago when I rented it from a video store but what there is has enough brutality to satisfy anyone. This did quite well at the International box office which has been in Schwarzenegger's corner for a very long time. After the two Conan films and Red Sonja he hit it big with The Terminator. Though he was the bad guy in that film, it was his film. He towers over every one else - but since has pretty much played the hero.



Conan the Destroyer
Director: Richard Fleischer
Year: 1984
Rating: 6.0


I think I am likely in the minority but I actually enjoyed this Conan more than the first. I have come upon rapturous reviews of Conan the Barbarian that sort of surprise me. The first one no doubt is a better film  - bigger, grander, more heroic - but damn it takes itself so seriously. It is not like Conan is the Ten Commandments. He is an adventurer who has trouble keeping his shirt on. He doesn't talk a lot because no one understands him. He likes to drink till he falls asleep. He likes to pose with his sword at battle ready. This one is just more fun, it is a pure adventure tale of saving the Princess and killing the wicked. None of this fate and destiny stuff. You face a bad guy, you cut off his head. Simple. And adding greatly to the fun factor is the great casting of Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlain. I never thought I would say those words. Jones is a wild animal and Wilt is tall, Real tall. And hell I even welcomed Mako the wizard back. He is kind of useful this time. Ok, that isn't fair - he brought Conan back to life in the previous film but otherwise just served as the narrator. Here he even battles another wizard at one point.




Without the need of the backstory, this jumps right into action when Conan and his little thief comic relief friend (Tracy Walter) are attacked by a troop of soldiers who get killed for their trouble. Heads flying like a juggler. That though was only a test by Queen Tarmis (Sarah Douglas) and her right hand man Bombatta (Wilt) to see if Conan could live up to his reputation. She promises Conan that she will bring back his lost love from the first film if he will escort the Princess to retrieve a key from a wizard. He agrees. We of course don't trust her an inch because we saw her as Ursa the villainess in Superman I and II. And sure enough she gives Bombatta some sideline instructions - bring the Princess back (Olivia d'Abo) with her virginity intact, kill Conan after the mission is over and then we can sacrifice the Princess - still a virgin - to the Gods and rule the world. Everybody wants to either rule the world or destroy it.



So off our group of five  - Conan, the little thief, Mako who they find being barbecued, Bombatta and the Princess - go to have an adventure. Along the way they pick up Zula (Grace Jones) being tormented as a prisoner. Zula looking like Grace Jones with the short hair, flashing savage teeth and taut physique is great. They have to fight off wizards, spells, magic castles, beasts and men along the way. The film has very few down moments and thankfully no romance emerges between Conan and the cutie pie. It is just old-fashioned swashbuckling fun that takes itself somewhat seriously. Directed by Richard Fleischer who was of course to go on to direct Red Sonja.


Red Sonja
Director: Richard Fleischer
Year: 1985
Rating: 5.0


I think this film is hated by the critics more than Nero was. And he burnt down a whole city. Even Schwarzenegger said it was the worst film he has ever been in and he has been in some bad movies. So it worries me that I thought it was fun 1980's schlocky entertainment. Yes, the ending was tragic in that the extremely annoying child lives but come on - what more do you want - you have Arnold and Brigitte Nielsen making goo-goo eyes at one another as she protects her virginity, a very large pet spider, an underwater metallic monster, a few flying heads, a magician who has a machine that can spy on the country and also on dancing girls, a green orb talisman that will destroy the world and a bunch of other virgins protecting it with swords. How could anyone hate this movie so much? Oh, and a very nifty theme from none other than the great Morricone! And you still hate it? Did I mention the bridge made of bones of a giant animal. Or the model tower that seems to get blown up ten times? Classic stuff!




This film came on the heels of the two Conan movies with Arnold, produced by Dino De Laurentis who produces this one as well. Bringing back Peplum! For a little while. This is directed by Richard Fleischer, who had directed Conan the Destroyer, not to mention The Jazz Singer. Both Conan and Red Sonja are based on the writings of Robert E. Howard and in the books they sometimes run into each other. A few months back I Kindled one of the Conan books to read out of curiosity. After about 20 pages I stopped and thought to myself, this is about the worst writing I have come across in decades. And I spend a lot of time on the Internet. People actually read this? Well, yes it is some of the biggest fantasy sellers of all time. He killed himself at 30 years old. I figure he finally read his own books.




Sonja's family is killed and she is violated on the orders of Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman, who had played Conan's love in Conan the Barbarian) who has a sexual hankering for Sonja. Sonja of course wants revenge - trains at a Chinese fighting school and is ready to go. She runs into what must be a cousin of Conan, Kalidor, who looks just like Conan, dresses like Conan, speaks in short accented sentences like Conan, fights like Conan - but is not Conan - weird in that why not just call him Conan. Arnold is back. He was on the verge of super stardom after Conan with his role in The Terminator - he never had to look back. At this film.




Sonja doesn't want Kalidor's help because he is . . . a man. No man can have her until he defeats her in battle. She picks up two other companions on her quest - the irritating child and his servant. But Kalidor is never far behind. This is Brigitte Nielsen's debut and she got the Raspberry Award for it - which strikes me as plain mean to give it to an actress's debut. De Laurentis saw her in a magazine. Same with Lauren Bacall and Howard Hawks by the way but admittedly Nielsen is no Bacall. But then she didn't get lines like "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.". Ok, it is not great but I have seen a lot worse. Maybe that last sentence should have been my whole review.